Dear Blog (Entry 2)

Dear Blog,

Has been feeling a little bit under the weather this past few days...I feel sooooo sad about my laptop going kaput. I've just had it for 11 months! Rase menyesal beli DELL, should have gone on with my initial plan to buy a SONY Vio, but wanted to save money for coming to the U.K. then.

I feel soooo sad at the imminent day when I would have to leave Oxford and the U.K. for good...I am sooooo going to miss this place. I have had the BEST year of my life, and does not feel ready to let all this go. Hence also why I'm so angsy about my laptop, I'm afraid I will lose all my data including all the photos I've taken tru out this one year. Yes, only THE WORLD'S BIGGEST FOOL does not back-up the data in her laptop - enter Exhibit A (Yours Trully).

An unexpected great opportunity presented itself to me (which would be good for my career), got me super excited, and now is hanging on the balance! Seriously, if it does not materialize, I am going to be SOOOOOO disappointed (yet again!) and for the love of God, I don't know whether I can take another disappointment at the moment! Praying hard to God (nak buat solat hajat tapi period lah pulak!) that it will work out! I don't know why I'm such a pessimist nowadays...and seems that the more you expect a disappointment, the more it will happen, like a twisted self-fulfilling prophecy. So I know I have to stop it and be more POSITIVE (the Laws of Attractions and what not, tho I'm not very keen on all that psychobable mumbo jumbo really), but I can't help it, it's just like my heart has refused to hope for anything anymore. I guess bcz it has been disappointed in such a way that defies explanation, so it's like it is now too afraid to hope for good things to happen. Like a variation of "Building Walls Around Your Heart" or sumthing (yes, I know I'm not making sense, when my heart is heavy and weary, I can't be my usual structured self).

And don't even get me started on that OTHER thing.......SIGH.

Watashi,
ARADIA

Settling

Dear Blog,

I am sad.

I just spoke to my mum. And she gave me a long lecture on me having to start thinking about my future since I'm coming back to Malaysia soon. She scolded me for not having any savings, and for spending half of my salary every month on shopping and traveling (after deducting the half that I give to my dad) and not saving for rainy days. She said that I have to start thinking about buying a house or even just a car, bcz I'm already 27 with not a single asset to my name. Yes, my hundreds of clothes, shoes & handbags are apparently not assets. Duh.

I told her why bother, it's not like I have any dependants, and there is no prospect in heaven or hell of me ever having a family of my own at the rate my luck is going pun. So why bother? I'm single, I'm sure I'll end up alone anyway, so why can't I live for myself, and use my money for myself. Why do I have to save for the "future" when I'm certain as hell that I don't even have a "future". Why can't I just live for today and be damn happy about it??

I did save money for my future (wedding) before, and where is that future (wedding)?? It up and left me by sending a text message saying "dengan sangat berat hati saya terpaksa lepaskan awak", that's what it did and that's where it went. So why open myself up to another disappointment?!

Then she said that what about her & my dad? What if anything were to happen to them. they both don't have insurance. And both me and my sister doesn't have enough savings (my only savings consist of the few thousand or so that UIA still owe me and my pathetic balance in ASB). Well...that made me sadder than ever. Yes, I'm a horrible daughter. I'm a failure. I'm a horrible failure. HORRIBLE.

Fine. You know what I'll do. I guess I'll just relent ma, and let you finally matchmake me with that kerabat Perak you've been going on about. Who cares if I have an allergy towards rich guys (bcz they think they can get anything and do whatever they want). Who cares if he's not my taste (yes, everyone keeps saying my taste sucks anyway looking at my track record). Who cares if I don't like him. I've turned down a lot of guys already (tak a lot sangat lah pun, 5 je) in this past year and a half of me being single. Waiting for someone who I can actually like. But then, when I finally found someone I like (by pure accident), he wouldn't even give me the time of the day pun. And I'm tired of waiting for him to contact me or ask me out. I'm tired of waiting.

So maybe it's in everyone's best interest for me to just settle for this guy. At least he's rich and you don't have to think of what will happen to our family in an emergency anymore, rite ma. Maybe that's best. I'll just grit my teeth and go on with it. Even if I'm not happy, at least I can make everyone else happy. And happiness is overrated anyway.

So fine, I will settle. This is me settling.