Tears

Post 2nd January 2009, whenever I think of He Who Shall Not Be Named, it never fails to bring tears to my eyes. At first, angry tears. Then tears of despair, anguish and pain. Tears of hurt, of unspeakable hurt. Later on it became resigned tears. Thoughts of him never EVER fails to make me cry. Alone. Even if I'll be laughing and cracking jokes whenever his name crops up (however weirdly) in a conversation, later on, alone in my room, the tears would come. That was how strong his "presence" was in my life still, even one year after the fact. But what would you expect, of a man who had shared 7 years of my life, from the time I was still a bright-eyed teenager hopeful and passionate about the future.

Now...more than a year and a half later, whenever thoughts of him crosses my mind, tears would still welled up in my eyes. But this, this is a different kind of tears. These tears come from the realisation of how grateful I feel for those who had been there for me, those who had helped me gotten through it all. Family and friends without whose support I might have jumped off the balcony of B-9-2 PV3 (which I did consider doing more than a few times). Grateful tears of the countless show of love I gained by loosing one.

And it dawned on me, perhaps I'm finally on the real road to recovery. Because of course when the tears come, there is still a kind of hollow sadness in my heart that accompanies the sense of solace, but thoughts of him no longer bring a stab of excruciating pain in my heart as it used to. In fact amidst the tears that trickles down my face, the feeling of regret is now amiss. I no longer regret what happened. How could I? Regretting what happened means I have to also regret ever knowing him, and that is something I CANNOT do in all honesty. Not after all that we've shared and after all that I've gained from him, a man whose soul I know is full of goodness and kindness, despite it all. These are now tears of acceptance. Of wholehearted acceptance that we will never ever be together, but that his lessons and his spirit will remain with me for the rest of my life, for me to give to THE ONE (whoever and wherever he may be) who truly deserve me and deserve my love, THE ONE who's written by the stars for me to love and cherish by the lessons I've gained through this tearful experience.

So even if at times they appear unexpectedly, I now welcome them, and accept them, because these tears, they are Good Tears.