Sometimes I can't help feeling that I hate myself

Sometimes I can't help feeling that I hate myself.

Why am I so talkative (can't I just shut up), why am I so opinionated (can't I just keep my opinion to myself), why am I so frank (can't I just be more selective), why am I so damn friendly (can't I just keep my distance)...

Why can't I be more docile, more lady-like, more sweet, more womanly? Less aggressive, less intimidating, less like a whirlwind that cannot keep still...

Maybe because of this everyone always warm up to me fast (bcz aku cepat mesra?) but would ALWAYS see me as just a friend...maybe because of this no one will ever be able to see beyond this bubble of bubbliness, loud laughter, incessant smile & hunky dory I'm always happy, and see the woman beneath...fragile, melancholic, feminine, with more to share than what meets the eye...

Will anyone ever know the essence of who Siti Aliza is? Bcz the walking contradiction that I am, unlike normal people, I build invisible walls around myself through my happy-go-lucky oozing with friendliness persona...yes, of course that is me...but there's also another side to me...and hence I don't think anyone will ever know who I am........

Perhaps because I did once let someone inside and see the other side of me (the insecurities, the despondency, the reverie) and look at how THAT ended up...with me left hurting and bleeding and scarred for life......but does that mean I am now beyond repair??

Sometimes I can't help feeling that I hate myself.