Forever After

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there live a prince and a princess. The prince and princess grew up worlds apart from each other and had never met one another while growing up. One day while traveling to another kingdom to learn the secrets of the world, chance and fate brought them together and the prince and princess met and decided that they like one another. Very much like one another indeed.

So, what happens next? Well, since this is a fairy tale, of course what happens next is that the price and princess fell in love with each other... And then?? Then, they live happily ever after..oh wait, no no! Not yet! Why?

Well, because the prince and princess realised that before you can live happily ever after, there are many obstacles that you have to go through first. What kind of obstacles? Well, every kind of obstacles from slaying dragons (the princess realised that she had a lot of unknown dragons from her 7 past-lives that are coming back to haunt her) to broomstick problems (the prince and princess lives in 2 different kingdoms far away from each other and when their broom sticks are broken they dont get to travel to meet each other for a looonngg time which makes the princess sad) to communication problems (since the prince and princess comes from different kingdoms they speak different languages and although they tried to learn a new language together, the new language is very very tough and the prince and princess occasionally gets in trouble because of this).

But the biggest obstacle for the prince and princess is to understand each other. You see, the prince and princess are sooooo different from one another. This is because the prince's fairy godmother is from Mars and the princess' fairy godmother is from Venus, and so the prince and princess learn different things from their fairy godmothers, well, polar opposites actually! And so the prince and princess think different things, like different things, feel different things, and are prone to different things altogether! You want to know the secret of this? It's because when the prince was born his fairy godmother blew into him essence of the earth and therefore the prince grew up to be a very grounded person, and also very hard to move like boulders of the earth. The princess on the other hand, well her fairy godmother blew into her essence of the wind and she grew up to be a very temperamental person. Like the wind, she also tends to sway where the wind blows.

So what happens to the prince and princess i hear you ask? Well, to tell you the truth nobody knows! Not even the very wise oracle who lives on the mountain. Well, not yet anyway. Because the princess is thinking whether their vast differences can ever be reconciled and the prince is thinking why the hell is it so hard to understand her.

So boys and girls, let us pray hard together for the poor prince and princess. Pray hard that they will look deep into their hearts and find their way, find their way to each other, Forever After.

Less Than Ideal

Yes, I know our situation is less than ideal...

It's not ideal to be separated by all these miles...To not be able to drop by each other's place or office when the fancy strikes, or not being able to call for you to pick me up when I need some rescuing (given the chance, I'm always in need of rescuing ;p)...or to steal some time to have a quick lunch or dinner together. Because we're so far away from each other. Well, physically far away. But in truth you are always so close...because you are in my heart. And it just feels to me like you are always right by my side. Every step of the way, in everything that I do, I can just feel you there with me. Because you are my best friend.

It's not ideal that we don't get to see each other as often as I would like. Well, ideally I would like to see you everyday. Okay, once a week is good enough. But I know that's not possible given the distance. The physical distance. But it's ok, at least I hear from you everyday without fail. We each know the detail of our everyday life. We share all that's happening to us, everything we are doing, all the things we are thinking, the things that are bothering and upsetting us, the things that are making us happy and bringing us joy. We are sharing our life with each other, and like you said, I "see" you more often that the people I literally see day in day out. Because I "see" you with my mind and with my heart. And sometimes I see you in my dreams *blush*. I always see your smile. And it's a bonus that everytime we do get to meet I feel so excited like every date is our first date. I don't take for granted the time we get to spend with each other, and that makes every moment so special. Because it's priceless.

Yes, I know our situation is less than ideal...But I will not trade in what we have together in exchange for normalcy. Because what we have together makes me happy, happier than I've been in a long, loooonnggg time. What we have together gives me peace, and makes me want to be a better person. So I will not for one second consider giving it up for all those ideals.

Yes, I know our situation is less than ideal...But it's a small price to pay, when what I get in return is YOU. When you have Perfect, who cares if it's Less Than Ideal.

:)

Knowing and Accepting

Knowing and accepting that a person was a bad match for you does not mean a small part of your heart can now stop loving that person.

Knowing and accepting that a small part of your heart can never stop loving a person does not mean that you would ever want to get back together with that person.

Knowing and accepting that you never ever want to get back together with a person does not mean you are not afraid and fearful to consider opening up your heart for another person.

Knowing and accepting that you are afraid and fearful to consider opening up your heart for another person does not mean you are not hoping that someday you will.

It's all about Knowing and Accepting.

It Feels Like The End Of A Love Affair

And yes, I of all people should know how that feels like. When you feel a kind of loss that is so acute that you just feel numb for some time, until one day the tears would come unexpectedly in floods. When you feel a kind of emptiness that is paradoxically so vast that all the matter in the world would not be able to fill up the empty space in your heart.

After a year of living on a high, it feels like I have now crashed and burned.

Definitely, It Feels Like The End Of A Love Affair.

DEMI MASA..

A friend (who, like me, is also feeling nostalgic in contemplation of leaving the U.K very soon) asked this question "where exactly was I this time last year?"

I know where I was this time last year: Broken, and a long way from happy. Fast forward one year: I'm a happy bunny :D Alhamdulillah!

Sesungguhnya, DEMI MASA..

...

The hardest thing in life is to face your fears.

A shattered mirror can be put back together, but even if the cracks don't show, there would always be a small chink missing in between.

...

Tears

Post 2nd January 2009, whenever I think of He Who Shall Not Be Named, it never fails to bring tears to my eyes. At first, angry tears. Then tears of despair, anguish and pain. Tears of hurt, of unspeakable hurt. Later on it became resigned tears. Thoughts of him never EVER fails to make me cry. Alone. Even if I'll be laughing and cracking jokes whenever his name crops up (however weirdly) in a conversation, later on, alone in my room, the tears would come. That was how strong his "presence" was in my life still, even one year after the fact. But what would you expect, of a man who had shared 7 years of my life, from the time I was still a bright-eyed teenager hopeful and passionate about the future.

Now...more than a year and a half later, whenever thoughts of him crosses my mind, tears would still welled up in my eyes. But this, this is a different kind of tears. These tears come from the realisation of how grateful I feel for those who had been there for me, those who had helped me gotten through it all. Family and friends without whose support I might have jumped off the balcony of B-9-2 PV3 (which I did consider doing more than a few times). Grateful tears of the countless show of love I gained by loosing one.

And it dawned on me, perhaps I'm finally on the real road to recovery. Because of course when the tears come, there is still a kind of hollow sadness in my heart that accompanies the sense of solace, but thoughts of him no longer bring a stab of excruciating pain in my heart as it used to. In fact amidst the tears that trickles down my face, the feeling of regret is now amiss. I no longer regret what happened. How could I? Regretting what happened means I have to also regret ever knowing him, and that is something I CANNOT do in all honesty. Not after all that we've shared and after all that I've gained from him, a man whose soul I know is full of goodness and kindness, despite it all. These are now tears of acceptance. Of wholehearted acceptance that we will never ever be together, but that his lessons and his spirit will remain with me for the rest of my life, for me to give to THE ONE (whoever and wherever he may be) who truly deserve me and deserve my love, THE ONE who's written by the stars for me to love and cherish by the lessons I've gained through this tearful experience.

So even if at times they appear unexpectedly, I now welcome them, and accept them, because these tears, they are Good Tears.

Because it's written

Something that happened yesterday, made me feel better than how I've been feeling for quite sometime, and it made me hopeful again about my life and my future. And more importantly, it seems to restore again my faith in God that seems to be wavering for sometime.

Then I got a surprising news today. A good friend of mine here in Oxford just broke the news that she just got engaged over the weekend. She has been keeping this a secret from us all along! She first met the guy in November 2009 at a colloquium here . They then met up a couple of times for coffee. Shortly after, the guy's parents approached her parents. They got engaged over the weekend (Feb 2010) and their wedding is set for October 2010. She told me that it was all so unexpected, everything happens so quickly, but in her heart it all just feels right. She said to me that she believes that it is "naseeb" (i.e. jodoh. [She's a British Pakistani] ).

These two things has made me realised that everything that happens happened because it is meant to happen. (Wah, ayat ni bagus jugak utk digunakan mengajar grammar ni!). I can now start believing in Fate again... Because it's written.

Age

They say age is just a number. But I disagree.

If age is just a number, and you can be young at heart so age does not matter, then ape cerita kedut2 bawah mata ni, or ur metabolism slowing down rapidly, or you getting sakit kaki and backache after a long day, or u forgetting more easily and need more time to recall things?? Haaa, jawab jawab!

On a more serious note.

Age is not just a number. Because with age comes experience. And with experience comes lessons. And with lessons come wisdom. (Or 'wisdom' of some sort!)

The age-old question: What is the meaning of life? If you asked me this at 23, I would have given you some crappy narcissistic answer which all revolves around ME, ME and more ME. But after several life-turning experience, at 26 (going on 27) I realised Life is something Beyond You. And Life is Unpredictable (they say life is like the Mistress, she is unpredictable and her mood-swings can create havoc to all balance and order that you hold dear!)...You just have to stop, look around and ponder...to realise how bewildering Life is. And no matter how in control you think you are, or you want to be, you can NEVER ever control Life. And also somehow, in some way, all of us are inextricably linked together in this whole fabric of Life.

There is much to be said about maturity. It is not something you can see from the surface. It is not something physical. Even if you look 30 although you are only 21, it does not mean you are matured! (Here in the U.K I often get mistaken as a 19 year old because of the physicality)...I have many friends here who are so much younger than me. And although when we are together people can seldom see the difference in age, but when you talk to them you just know they are younger. It's their outlook towards Life and towards so many things in general. It's in the way they talk. It's in the way they behave in relation to other people. It is in the way they seldom see the bigger picture. When I am with them, I have to humour them, and tell myself it's because they lack life experience (I also have a way of always appearing more stupid or helpless than I really am so that people don't feel the gap! It's a skill I've developed over the years). I also have friends who are more or less my age, or older. And it is just so much easier to connect with them at an emotional and mental level. They just seem to "Get It" (it's difficult to explain)...I came to this realisation about the connection of all this with age is because usually after getting to know these ppl for some time, only then you know their age...then you go (in your head) "Ooooh, no wonder. Patut lah".

Another important thing. Life and Age, it changes you. You are never the same person that you were 5 years ago. Or 3 years ago. Or even a year ago. External influence (your life experience) and internal influence (how you react internally to those experience) keep moulding you and you realised that I am just not the same person anymore! Sometimes you feel that this is bad (Oh I used to be so carefree, so optimistic and passionate about the future) but actually this is often for the better. Because u wake up and realise that you are more at "one" with yourself. You are more in touch with your feelings, of who you are. But more importantly, you are more in touch with other people in your life, or other people around you, because you have more sympathy, empathy and understanding towards others compared to when you were younger...

This is what I want to say to Aliza of yesteryears. "Of course you have more youth and beauty than me, but I can always strive to have more of those too. If I sing more and laugh more, my heart will be more youthful. If I take care of myself more, have a healthier lifestyle, or even have cosmetic surgery (haha), I will be more beautiful. But no matter what you do in this world, or how hard you try, I will always have something more than you...and that is my Age!"

:D