WALKING CONTRADICTION

Forever After

2011-12-12T17:10:00.005Z

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there live a prince and a princess. The prince and princess grew up worlds apart from each other and had never met one another while growing up. One day while traveling to another kingdom to learn the secrets of the world, chance and fate brought them together and the prince and princess met and decided that they like one another. Very much like one another indeed.

So, what happens next? Well, since this is a fairy tale, of course what happens next is that the price and princess fell in love with each other... And then?? Then, they live happily ever after..oh wait, no no! Not yet! Why?

Well, because the prince and princess realised that before you can live happily ever after, there are many obstacles that you have to go through first. What kind of obstacles? Well, every kind of obstacles from slaying dragons (the princess realised that she had a lot of unknown dragons from her 7 past-lives that are coming back to haunt her) to broomstick problems (the prince and princess lives in 2 different kingdoms far away from each other and when their broom sticks are broken they dont get to travel to meet each other for a looonngg time which makes the princess sad) to communication problems (since the prince and princess comes from different kingdoms they speak different languages and although they tried to learn a new language together, the new language is very very tough and the prince and princess occasionally gets in trouble because of this).

But the biggest obstacle for the prince and princess is to understand each other. You see, the prince and princess are sooooo different from one another. This is because the prince's fairy godmother is from Mars and the princess' fairy godmother is from Venus, and so the prince and princess learn different things from their fairy godmothers, well, polar opposites actually! And so the prince and princess think different things, like different things, feel different things, and are prone to different things altogether! You want to know the secret of this? It's because when the prince was born his fairy godmother blew into him essence of the earth and therefore the prince grew up to be a very grounded person, and also very hard to move like boulders of the earth. The princess on the other hand, well her fairy godmother blew into her essence of the wind and she grew up to be a very temperamental person. Like the wind, she also tends to sway where the wind blows.

So what happens to the prince and princess i hear you ask? Well, to tell you the truth nobody knows! Not even the very wise oracle who lives on the mountain. Well, not yet anyway. Because the princess is thinking whether their vast differences can ever be reconciled and the prince is thinking why the hell is it so hard to understand her.

So boys and girls, let us pray hard together for the poor prince and princess. Pray hard that they will look deep into their hearts and find their way, find their way to each other, Forever After.

2011-11-28T15:22:00.001Z

In my arrogance, I forgot

Between Being Feminist & Being Delusional

2011-10-16T16:32:00.006+01:00

Love the point made here: in our quest of empowering women, we made the fatal error of putting man as the standard. It then becomes counter-productive to our initial objective. We can never be like men, and who says we should?? I just read a book called Fight Like A Girl (Who Says It's A Bad Thing), although the author argues using biblical reference here & there, but the position is the same in Islam. I'm proud that in every "fight" and battles in life that I have faced, I have always fought like a girl i.e. using my natural God-given strength as a woman, rather than trying to fight like another being whose characteristics I do not possess. I hate it when people say women are too emotional, like being emotional is a bad thing. I love & value logic, but if everyone functions on the basis of logic alone, with no regards to feelings and intuition (i.e. if everyone of us wants to be the stoic-logical man in all situations, no compromise) society would eventually be soul-less..

Being a Feminist DOES NOT mean fighting to be just like a man, it means fighting to be WHO YOU ARE, to be the best that you can be & to fulfill your true potential, fighting to have an opinion & not to have others view shoved down your throat, INCLUDING the view of how you should be less feminine (and every single thing that word entails) and more masculine.

So ladies, lets draw the line here, Between Being Feminist & Being Delusional

http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2010/12/19/a-woman%E2%80%99s-reflection-on-leading-prayer/

I WISH

2011-09-15T19:32:00.004+01:00

I wish I could tell you
Of this deep abyss in my heart
That i tried to fill with your words and your voice
But sometimes the loneliness that creeps up, just eats up, from within...

I wish I could tell you
Of how at times when i try to conjure up
Your sweet face and your dimpled smile and your soft laughter
They get blurred out, and muted down, by the vastness of space and the passage of time...

I wish I could tell you
Of the tears that would sometimes fall
When I miss in pain or I hope in vain
But I knew in my heart, no love nor care nor want in the world can change, the unchangeable...

And so I continue to wish, oh how I wish so... I WISH

Less Than Ideal

2011-08-22T18:17:00.009+01:00

Yes, I know our situation is less than ideal...

It's not ideal to be separated by all these miles...To not be able to drop by each other's place or office when the fancy strikes, or not being able to call for you to pick me up when I need some rescuing (given the chance, I'm always in need of rescuing ;p)...or to steal some time to have a quick lunch or dinner together. Because we're so far away from each other. Well, physically far away. But in truth you are always so close...because you are in my heart. And it just feels to me like you are always right by my side. Every step of the way, in everything that I do, I can just feel you there with me. Because you are my best friend.

It's not ideal that we don't get to see each other as often as I would like. Well, ideally I would like to see you everyday. Okay, once a week is good enough. But I know that's not possible given the distance. The physical distance. But it's ok, at least I hear from you everyday without fail. We each know the detail of our everyday life. We share all that's happening to us, everything we are doing, all the things we are thinking, the things that are bothering and upsetting us, the things that are making us happy and bringing us joy. We are sharing our life with each other, and like you said, I "see" you more often that the people I literally see day in day out. Because I "see" you with my mind and with my heart. And sometimes I see you in my dreams *blush*. I always see your smile. And it's a bonus that everytime we do get to meet I feel so excited like every date is our first date. I don't take for granted the time we get to spend with each other, and that makes every moment so special. Because it's priceless.

Yes, I know our situation is less than ideal...But I will not trade in what we have together in exchange for normalcy. Because what we have together makes me happy, happier than I've been in a long, loooonnggg time. What we have together gives me peace, and makes me want to be a better person. So I will not for one second consider giving it up for all those ideals.

Yes, I know our situation is less than ideal...But it's a small price to pay, when what I get in return is YOU. When you have Perfect, who cares if it's Less Than Ideal.

:)

A Little Girl Who Looks Like Me

2011-07-17T11:21:00.003+01:00

When the mood strikes me, yes, I think this is my biggest wish...

To have a little girl of my own... a little girl who looks like me.

SEJIWA

2011-06-29T07:33:00.005+01:00

"Pada irama ku berpesan
Lagu ini ditujukan
Padanya yang Tersayang

Kasihku kau pernah dipersia
Lalu kubawa cintaku
Sebagai penawarnya
Biar lukamu masih terasa

Sesaat engkau tidak ku temu
Bulan seakan pilu
Tiada dapat beradu

Begitu jika engkau membisu
Badai jauh dilautan
Tiada ketepian
Sebegitu cintaku padamu

Usahlah cinta dibawa bersama
Ditenggelami mentari di timur
Gelap gelita tiada bercahaya
Ku tiada berdaya

Ku ingin selalu di sampingmu
Tiap waktu siang melambai malam
Bagaikan senja denyutan cinta kita
Penyambung hadirnya

Akan ku bina istana bahagia
Menjadi lambang kasih berpanjangan
Hentikan airmata pedih kenangan
Yang mencakar perasaan
Mekarlah bunga cinta
Seharum wangi kemboja
Mekarlah bunga cinta
Di taman kita sejiwa"

I guess you can say that I am a romantic at heart. Deep down, very very veryyyy deep down at heart :p
(That's why people are always surprised when they found out that I, who very seldom listens to contemporary malay songs, am a big fan of the 90's rock songs (atau dalam kata lainnye, rock kapak yg jiwang karats tuuu haha)

The problem is, I will very2 seldom show it, despite feeling like it. Is it ego? Is it to safe face? Or is it protecting my own heart and protecting my own self? Another big problem is, my track record (if you can call the measly number a record anyway) has shown that I will usually fall for guys who are NOT by nature romantics. Nak kata geli dengan lelaki2 romantic and jiwang pun boleh jugak :p So kau tanggung la sendiri ye Aliza bile kau tgh mood2 nak romantic tu kalau tak di layan, hahaha :p

Anyway, coming back to the song, I have always thought that this song is the ultimate sweet and romantic song. And I guess subconsciously (or consciously tapi taknak ngaku?? hehe), I have always dreamed that some day someone (someone I like of course) would dedicate this song to me :p If it does happen, I think it would be one of THE most romantic thing someone can do for me! But that someone must mean it of course (that goes without saying)! Banyak la pulak demand nye ye aliza..

I guess why I like the lyrics to this song is because 1) the beginning of the song (esp. 2nd para.) I think is applicable to me 2) Admit it, ALL girls, deep down, DREAM of 'someone' who will worship them (worship the ground they walk on!) and who will pander and fawn over them, pine after them.. Ya, ya, I know that sounds a bit too much REALISTICALLY, of course I know that (thanks to watching too much Hindi movies I guess, esp. starring the King of Romance Shah Rukh Khan! Hehe :p). But ADMIT IT ladies, we have all DREAMED of having that or getting that (nama pun DREAM, so sgt la tipis harapan untuk ianya menjadi kenyataan kan :p)

Like I said,banyak la pulak demand nye ye aliza.. Aliza, aliza.. would anyone want to even dedicate it to an old fatty like you? layak ke?? *uhuk*

But there's no harm in continuing to hope and dream rite...I mean everybody dreams of meeting and ending up with their soulmate right, no matter how unromantic or hati kering you are, you would still hope for that..meeting your soulmate..... Now that I think about it, I think the title of the song is a loose translation of that word, "soulmate" - SEJIWA!

Kerna kita semua berbeza

2011-01-19T11:38:00.006Z

Kita semua benar berbeza.
Memang mudah; rasa menyampah,
pada apa yang tak sama,
dengan yang kita sudah biasa.

Tapi mungkin kita perlu terima,
butakan saja mata,
pada perbezaan,
tapi lihat pada kebaikan; yang ada pada setiap insan.

Kadang kita perlu cuba,
melihat dari kaca mata,
dia yang sedang kita nilai,
nanti kita lebih memahami; dari membenci.

Ini juga peringatan,
untuk tuan empunya badan,
yang menulis satu lakaran,
isu biasa dalam kehidupan.

Lebih banyak drama,
lebih banyak warna,
lebih banyak pengajarannya.
Kerna kita semua berbeza.

Woe be to me

2010-12-06T09:15:00.001Z

Woe be to them who do not know what they want.

Woe be to me.

Knowing and Accepting

2010-11-25T07:50:00.003Z

Knowing and accepting that a person was a bad match for you does not mean a small part of your heart can now stop loving that person.

Knowing and accepting that a small part of your heart can never stop loving a person does not mean that you would ever want to get back together with that person.

Knowing and accepting that you never ever want to get back together with a person does not mean you are not afraid and fearful to consider opening up your heart for another person.

Knowing and accepting that you are afraid and fearful to consider opening up your heart for another person does not mean you are not hoping that someday you will.

It's all about Knowing and Accepting.

Ain't It Funny

2010-11-16T05:19:00.002Z

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and me
It's so ironic you're what I had pictured you to be
But there are facts in our lives we can never change
Just tell me that you understand and feel the same

This perfect romance that I've created in my mind
I'd live a thousand lives each one with you right by my side
But yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstance
And so it seems like we'll never have the chance

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel
Oh, I wish this could be real

Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don't wanna face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part
In the story of your heart

Sometimes I think that a true love can never be
I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant for me
Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain
And I don't think that I could face it all again

I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about
A deeper love I've found in you and I no longer doubt
You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made
And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel
Oh, I wish this could be real

Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don't wanna face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part
In the story of your heart

I locked away my heart
But you just set it free
Emotions I felt held me back from what my life should be
I pushed you far away
And yet you stayed with me
I guess this means that you and me were meant to be

JLo, 'Ain't It Funny'

The Past, The Present, The Future

2010-10-25T05:00:00.003+01:00

Each can be confusing in its own way. Utterly confusing.

The Past will come back to haunt you, when you least expect it, catching you by surprise, pushing you into a tailspin of emotion that can leave you feeling hollow inside, an emotional wreck.

The Present can seem to be so dismal, sometimes grey, sometime a myriad of colours but always predominantly grey, where you can lose yourself in the mundane, the habitual, the boring, the incessant repetition bordering on hellish.

The Future can be the worst beast of all, with its thousands of uncertainties, making you calculate every action and every move, afraid that the consequences in the future might destroy what you've worked for all your life, but in effect paralysing you with FEAR, fear of the unknown.

But the nastiest is when in a single moment, you reel with CONFUSION as if walking in a dream, when they all come crashing together, The Past, The Present, The Future.

It Feels Like The End Of A Love Affair

2010-10-04T09:27:00.001+01:00

And yes, I of all people should know how that feels like. When you feel a kind of loss that is so acute that you just feel numb for some time, until one day the tears would come unexpectedly in floods. When you feel a kind of emptiness that is paradoxically so vast that all the matter in the world would not be able to fill up the empty space in your heart.

After a year of living on a high, it feels like I have now crashed and burned.

Definitely, It Feels Like The End Of A Love Affair.

Terkenang Jua

2010-09-08T10:33:00.001+01:00

Kau bersinar dalam hati ini
Kan terbawa manapun ku berdiri

*Ziana Zain, Terkenang Jua*

Terima Kasih Ya Allah

2010-09-07T12:46:00.007+01:00

Ya Allah,

Aku tidak layak untuk apa-apa
Siapa aku untuk meminta-minta
Aku ini penuh dengan dosa
Hati ini penuh dengan curiga

Namun kasih sayang Mu tidak bertepi
Kau bantu aku bila aku merintih
Kau beri aku ketawa selepas aku menangis
Doaku Kau jawab tidak Kau tepis

Terima kasih atas nikmat mu yang tak terhingga
Terima kasih kerana beriku keluarga yang bahagia
Terima kasih kerana menjaga mereka yang ku cinta
Terima kasih kerana di sisiku Kau sentiasa Ada

Terima Kasih Ya Allah

-ALIZA-

DEMI MASA..

2010-08-13T02:31:00.003+01:00

A friend (who, like me, is also feeling nostalgic in contemplation of leaving the U.K very soon) asked this question "where exactly was I this time last year?"

I know where I was this time last year: Broken, and a long way from happy. Fast forward one year: I'm a happy bunny :D Alhamdulillah!

Sesungguhnya, DEMI MASA..

Alhamdulillah

2010-08-06T01:54:00.001+01:00

For unexpected glad tidings...Alhamdulillah!

Dear Blog (Entry 2)

2010-08-05T02:58:00.009+01:00

Dear Blog,

Has been feeling a little bit under the weather this past few days...I feel sooooo sad about my laptop going kaput. I've just had it for 11 months! Rase menyesal beli DELL, should have gone on with my initial plan to buy a SONY Vio, but wanted to save money for coming to the U.K. then.

I feel soooo sad at the imminent day when I would have to leave Oxford and the U.K. for good...I am sooooo going to miss this place. I have had the BEST year of my life, and does not feel ready to let all this go. Hence also why I'm so angsy about my laptop, I'm afraid I will lose all my data including all the photos I've taken tru out this one year. Yes, only THE WORLD'S BIGGEST FOOL does not back-up the data in her laptop - enter Exhibit A (Yours Trully).

An unexpected great opportunity presented itself to me (which would be good for my career), got me super excited, and now is hanging on the balance! Seriously, if it does not materialize, I am going to be SOOOOOO disappointed (yet again!) and for the love of God, I don't know whether I can take another disappointment at the moment! Praying hard to God (nak buat solat hajat tapi period lah pulak!) that it will work out! I don't know why I'm such a pessimist nowadays...and seems that the more you expect a disappointment, the more it will happen, like a twisted self-fulfilling prophecy. So I know I have to stop it and be more POSITIVE (the Laws of Attractions and what not, tho I'm not very keen on all that psychobable mumbo jumbo really), but I can't help it, it's just like my heart has refused to hope for anything anymore. I guess bcz it has been disappointed in such a way that defies explanation, so it's like it is now too afraid to hope for good things to happen. Like a variation of "Building Walls Around Your Heart" or sumthing (yes, I know I'm not making sense, when my heart is heavy and weary, I can't be my usual structured self).

And don't even get me started on that OTHER thing.......SIGH.

Watashi,
ARADIA

Losing My Religion

2010-08-03T00:23:00.005+01:00

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

That was just a dream
That was just a dream

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

R.E.M. *Losing My Religion*

2 Guys, A Girl & A Foreign Place

2010-07-27T14:11:00.010+01:00

Dulu engkau pernah bertakhta
Di sudut hati ku yang paling dalam
Walau kadang hati ku mungkin meronta
Tapi kau ku lepaskan kerna kita bukan jodohnya

Dan engkau mungkin aku minati
Mencuri hati tanpa sebab tanpa alasan
Tapi bukan aku sifat nya menunggu yang tak mahu
Mungkinkah kau juga perlu aku lupakan

Aku senang ditemani cuma dia
Dia yang aku faham luhur tutur jiwanya
Dia yang kuat dengan senyum tawa di bibirnya
Biar kadang hatinya senang bisa jua terluka

Di bumi ini yang indah tanpa kata
Di bumi asing yang kini sebati di hati nurani
Di bumi yang akan aku tinggalkan dan pasti aku rindui
Biarlah segala kisah bersemadi di bumi ini...

This is my story, of 2 Guys, A Girl & A Foreign Place

And I Quote(2)

2010-07-27T01:46:00.003+01:00

Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing,
and rightdoing,
there is a field.
I'll meet you there.

~Rumi~ ...And I Quote(2)

Whose Reality - Yours or Mine?

2010-07-25T12:34:00.006+01:00

Inception - one word: AWESOME!

Yes, the cast gave a stellar performance. And the story line is near perfection - like a big complex jigsaw puzzle that fits together with no loose end. And I love the ending bcz it's kind of like Schrodinger's Cat. Whether the totem stopped spinning or continued spinning does not happen, until we (the viewers) ourself make it happen by the conclusion we draw from the ending.

But what I truly love about the movie is the idea behind it. To me the real idea behind it (yes, I know it's not a novel idea) can be seen from the scene where the old man in the sort-of basement with a lot of people sleeping/dreaming denied that all of these people come to sleep, but that "they come to be woken up". The idea is this - Who's to say what you perceive as reality is not really just a dream, and vice versa.

To me there is something distinctly religious about this idea. I have always understood this world, this world that we perceive as reality, with things that we can feel see touch and taste, as but a fleeting dream. To me our soul is THERE, dreaming this dream, before we are woken up to the REAL eternal life. It's like Plato's Shadows in The Cave philosophy. But to a lot of people in this world, this "concrete" world IS reality, and any "abstract" notion of the 'afterlife' is just a dream that we come up with in order to help us cope with that reality.

But when you talk about Reality, THE Question is this: Whose Reality - Yours or Mine?

And I Quote

2010-07-23T10:53:00.001+01:00

The agony of lovers,
burns with the fire of passion.
Lovers leave traces of where they've been.
The wailing of broken hearts,
is the doorway to God.

~Rumi~ ...And I Quote

Settling

2010-07-22T12:55:00.006+01:00

Dear Blog,

I am sad.

I just spoke to my mum. And she gave me a long lecture on me having to start thinking about my future since I'm coming back to Malaysia soon. She scolded me for not having any savings, and for spending half of my salary every month on shopping and traveling (after deducting the half that I give to my dad) and not saving for rainy days. She said that I have to start thinking about buying a house or even just a car, bcz I'm already 27 with not a single asset to my name. Yes, my hundreds of clothes, shoes & handbags are apparently not assets. Duh.

I told her why bother, it's not like I have any dependants, and there is no prospect in heaven or hell of me ever having a family of my own at the rate my luck is going pun. So why bother? I'm single, I'm sure I'll end up alone anyway, so why can't I live for myself, and use my money for myself. Why do I have to save for the "future" when I'm certain as hell that I don't even have a "future". Why can't I just live for today and be damn happy about it??

I did save money for my future (wedding) before, and where is that future (wedding)?? It up and left me by sending a text message saying "dengan sangat berat hati saya terpaksa lepaskan awak", that's what it did and that's where it went. So why open myself up to another disappointment?!

Then she said that what about her & my dad? What if anything were to happen to them. they both don't have insurance. And both me and my sister doesn't have enough savings (my only savings consist of the few thousand or so that UIA still owe me and my pathetic balance in ASB). Well...that made me sadder than ever. Yes, I'm a horrible daughter. I'm a failure. I'm a horrible failure. HORRIBLE.

Fine. You know what I'll do. I guess I'll just relent ma, and let you finally matchmake me with that kerabat Perak you've been going on about. Who cares if I have an allergy towards rich guys (bcz they think they can get anything and do whatever they want). Who cares if he's not my taste (yes, everyone keeps saying my taste sucks anyway looking at my track record). Who cares if I don't like him. I've turned down a lot of guys already (tak a lot sangat lah pun, 5 je) in this past year and a half of me being single. Waiting for someone who I can actually like. But then, when I finally found someone I like (by pure accident), he wouldn't even give me the time of the day pun. And I'm tired of waiting for him to contact me or ask me out. I'm tired of waiting.

So maybe it's in everyone's best interest for me to just settle for this guy. At least he's rich and you don't have to think of what will happen to our family in an emergency anymore, rite ma. Maybe that's best. I'll just grit my teeth and go on with it. Even if I'm not happy, at least I can make everyone else happy. And happiness is overrated anyway.

So fine, I will settle. This is me settling.

2 : 286

2010-07-21T12:01:00.004+01:00

لاَ يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلاَّ وُسْعَهَا

"And unto no soul does Allah put a burden more than it can bear" (2 : 286)

Cryptic

2010-07-21T11:54:00.002+01:00

Should I, shouldn't I?
Should I, shouldn't I?

If I reminisce, then I should..
But looking just at this particular point of time, I shouldn't.

But someone said "what do you have got to lose?"
True. Just my sanity perhaps.

"God, give me Guidance. God, give me Protection. God, give me Help."

Am I talking in cryptic?

10 Reasons To Be Happy About

2010-07-19T11:22:00.008+01:00

1. I just bought a Fendi purse! :))
2. I have almost two months of free time to enjoy Oxford and the U.K uninterrupted
3. I have a wardrobe almost bursting with gorgeous clothes that I love, which is every girl's dream come true
4. I have never felt closer to my family than now
5. In this 10 months, I have made many good and close friends who I KNOW will be life-long friends even after I leave this place
6. In these few weeks, I've gotten to know many people more, and are really liking their company
7. When I found out recently about a certain jealous person spreading untrue rumour about me, it didn't take much for me to fight the urge to retaliate, and it made me realised I've really grown up
8. Because I think I'm truly over a certain somebody, and it gives me great peace, finally
9. I have learned to enjoy and love my own company
10. Because I always feel that He is with me every step of the way

I am truly blessed. And anytime I feel my spirit is a bit low, I just need to remember these 10 Reasons To Be Happy About

The Best Hindi Song Ever

2010-07-18T06:01:00.001+01:00

I seriously think this is The Best Hindi Song Ever!

God Knows Best

2010-07-17T19:02:00.003+01:00

When we feel sad,
when we feel confused,
when we feel scared,
when we feel exhausted,
when we feel lost,
we have to keep faith...
...that God Knows Best

...

2010-07-16T02:47:00.000+01:00

The hardest thing in life is to face your fears.

A shattered mirror can be put back together, but even if the cracks don't show, there would always be a small chink missing in between.

...

Anugerah Dari Kegagalan

2010-07-15T22:06:00.005+01:00

Homaigod! While song-hopping on YouTube (usual activity), I came across this old song (lagu zaman mak aku ni!). And I feel amazed that there is actually one particular song that exist in this world which describes exactly to the tee what I feel all this while, but just didn't know how to put into words. It's just a simple song, but the lyrics says it all for me.

Dari kegagalan
Satu percintaan
Kualami
Penderitaan
Kesengsaraan
Kebatinan

Tapi di sebalik
Semua kepahitan
Tersembunyi
Oh keinsafan
Dan pengertian
Yang amat dalam

Terbukti kegagalan
Bukanlah kehancuran
Dengan anugerah
Nikmat dan hikmat
Kehidupan

Aku pelajari
Mengenali diri
Dan siapa kita
Yang sebenarnya
Di bumi Tuhan

[Song: Anugerah Dari Kegagalan]

Thoughts for the Day

2010-07-13T23:48:00.019+01:00

In Random (or Random-ish) Order:

1. I've never been good at goodbyes.
2. I have an in-built Inertia that instinctively fight changes.
3. Mixed-signals sucks big time.
4. I do not like hope, I think they can kill.
5. It is NEVER easy to turn down people, but sadly it has to be done, sooner rather than later.
6. It's weird that things (esp. weird things) always come in twos or threes.
7. I'm a firm believer that a girl shouldn't EVER do the pursuing, but I surprised myself when I compromised my belief, and I don't understand why, and I don't like it either.
8. Orang lambat selalu rugi kan.
9. But there is virtue in being patient.
10. Conflicted thoughts can drive you insane!

Sekian, my Thoughts for the Day.

STUPID

2010-07-11T16:10:00.005+01:00

I think I've been soooooo stupid. Someone as stupid as me deserve a hard knock on the head. Knock me unconscious, that should be better. Then I don't have to be awake to this waking nightmare of the dumb (not blonde, but brunette) girl named Aliza. One word to sum me up - STUPID!

'Something'

2010-07-11T00:21:00.009+01:00

After so long being in my own company and cooped up in my room studying for exams (which is pure torture for a Gemini. The 'being in my own company' part, not the exams part. Well, that too), it feels GREAT to be hanging out and doing fun stuff with people whose company I've missed for a while. I've been at it non-stop for almost 3 days, not a minute to take a breather. I'm a natural "social butterfly" (unless when the mood does not strike me, which DOES happen, tho very seldom) so I'm in my element when I'm with people. On my own I get a bit melancholic (but I love that part of myself too). However, tho I've been laughing (A LOT) and enjoying the talk and the time spent with friends these past 3 days, 'something' feels amiss, like there's 'something' bugging me at the back of my mind. I feel like there's a piece of my thoughts that is not with me, like my thoughts are not complete. I'm a bit distracted by 'something'.

I wonder what the 'something' is. It feels frustrating to not be in full and complete control of your own thoughts, I hate it when it wonders. I want my peace of mind back!

Helloooooo, GO AWAY 'something'!

Welcome To My World

2010-07-07T16:25:00.007+01:00

I've figured it out. I need to be highly strung, only then can I sit for my exams. Give me ample time to study, and I will sit in my room, space out & be with the fairies. With my book on my lap, I will construct scenarios in my head and live in an alternate universe (at least for a while). Point is, I need to give myself only a short window of time to study, and only then can I do it, with adrenaline pumping in my blood (or in my veins? I suck in biology). Anything longer than that short window of time, I'm just spacey (with capital S). With that short window, my mind works faster, my memory works better.

I always have this issue. That's why I'm always running late, always missing my trains & buses, always having to be in two places at one time. I blame being a Taurus-Gemini Cusp (I tend to believe in astrological signs. Well, not to the level of being Khurafat, but still) as the reason I always need to be highly strung, always on edge, restless, nervous energy abound. That's why I talk fast, and my mind move from one thing to another rather quickly. It's tiring trying to keep up with myself at times! That's the Gemini side of me, but the Taurus side of me needs stability, so I'm rather conflicted most of the time. That's the thing about being born on the Cusp, we are often conflicted babies.

See how I've moved form initially talking about exams, to talking about my affliction, to then talk about astrology?

Welcome To My World.

He's Just Not That Into You

2010-07-06T15:18:00.010+01:00

All wise girls should read the book at least once. I read it more than a year and a half ago post-break up. It convinced me to stop thinking (and hoping) for someone who's not even worth your time (well it did took some time for the conviction to sink in tho, hehe).

Am now cursing myself for leaving my copy back home in Malaysia.

I need my copy of He's Just Not That Into You (NOW!)

HIM

2010-07-02T17:39:00.008+01:00

There are moments when you feel the presence of God in you. You feel it in your veins, you feel it coursing through your blood, you feel it in your heart. When you couldn't have gone through something, something that seems so impossible, so improbable, that you just know that you could not have gone through that without a Higher power actually helping you through.

And I am not talking about my breakup from my 7-year old relationship either!

I'm talking about surviving my BCL Masters exam here in Oxford.

Yes, some people might think I'm being a bit melodramatic here. But they don't know. They don't know the amount of materials on the reading list for each subject that we are expected to read through. And they don't know about all these crazy people surrounding this place who all actually made it a point to finish reading up EVERYTHING. They don't know the amount of geniuses that walk through this place who at the same time are damn hard-working and work their asses off in the library EVERYday of the week. They don't know of the complicated ideas and concept that we are expected to wrap our minds around and spit them back out in an ORIGINAL way.

And the problem is I'm not one of them hardworking people. I know I HAVE to, and NEED to, work my ass off as well to compete with them in THIS PLACE. But I've been too caught up WITH this place. I'm too caught up with for once living FOR MYSELF and doing things FOR MYSELF. Not thinking about responsibilities, about what the future HAS to be like, about what is EXPECTED of me. For once, in this place, I found the break that I need, to stop being Ms. Perfect, the first-class Best Student of IIUM, the International Finalist Mooter, the all-rounder high-achiever, the perfect girlfriend to be proud of. The Perfect Person.

For once I feel I can stop being too hard on myself.

I've not been the most hardworking intelligent student of the BCL. I definitely haven't. But I have made it a point to EVERYDAY do things that make me HAPPY, be surrounded by people who I am comfortable being myself with. I have made it a point to travel the world (well, some parts of the world at least). I have made it a point to laugh the most and the loudest, to have fun, to feel great, to experience Life. To Rejoice. To do new things and meet new people, and learn things that can't be learnt from a textbook.

Yes, people might think I am not pushing myself hard enough academically here. But I've spent the best 17 years of my life (at least) doing just THAT. I know I can do it if I want to. And I have nothing left to prove. I've let, and seen, life just pass me by. But when you had your future ripped off from under your nose, it does shift your perspective a bit, and you realise that your priorities have changed. Being the Best Student no longer seem like the most important thing in the world. Being happy is.

So in a nutshell, after all these life-changing experience, I found myself at that dreaded moment. The moment when I have to sit for my exams. The moment when my first paper of 3-papers-in-3-consecutive-days (and then one more) is just a week away, and I have to catch up with what the rest of them have been doing for A YEAR LONG since September. Hell, it felt like the MOST IM-POS-SI-BLE thing and I almost cried a few times thinking I would not get through this without actually breaking down during AT LEAST one of the exams for not being able to answer the paper.

And hence I come back to the point I was initially making (oh how I've drifted!). I actually made it! I got through each and every agonizing moment, and emerged safe and sound on the other side. I made it without breaking down. I made it without dropping dead. And I knew. And I felt it. In my veins, in my blood, in my heart. I could not have done it without HIM.

BEING FOOLISH

2010-07-01T18:14:00.005+01:00

Sometimes you can't help feeling or thinking (it just crosses your mind without your control!) that some people are just being foolish. I am afraid when such thoughts cross my mind, because I'm afraid that I too am doing foolish things without me realising it, or WILL be doing foolish things in the future...But then upon reflection I come to this point - aren't we all human and thus susceptible to the human condition. And sometimes, we can actually learn something from being foolish, because there's always a lesson that will come up at the other end. And as to a foolish heart, well..matters of the heart are never logical anyway. So go on, be foolish. Here's to BEING FOOLISH!

Do You Know?

2010-06-26T10:14:00.002+01:00

Do you know where you're going to
Do you like the things that life's been showing you
Where are you going to
Do you know?

Do you get what you're hoping for
When you look behind you there's no open doors
What are you hoping for
Do you know?

Being a grown up sucks.

2010-06-23T17:42:00.005+01:00

Sometimes you need to take a step back from everything...
And evaluate.

Are you really cured? Or have u been fed a placebo?
Are you making that choice because it's the mature decision to make? Or because it's the easy one?
Are you really thankful to Him come whatever? Or because you thought you are getting what you want?
Have you really learned? Or are you making the same mistakes but in a different way?
And at the end of the day, after everything is over and done with and you are left with just yourself, do you actually like what you are left with?

And what if you don't know the answer to any of the questions. And you realised that just as you thought you have finally gotten everything figured out, you get handed down a different piece of the puzzle.

Like I said, being a grown up sucks.

Tears

2010-06-17T16:54:00.008+01:00

Post 2nd January 2009, whenever I think of He Who Shall Not Be Named, it never fails to bring tears to my eyes. At first, angry tears. Then tears of despair, anguish and pain. Tears of hurt, of unspeakable hurt. Later on it became resigned tears. Thoughts of him never EVER fails to make me cry. Alone. Even if I'll be laughing and cracking jokes whenever his name crops up (however weirdly) in a conversation, later on, alone in my room, the tears would come. That was how strong his "presence" was in my life still, even one year after the fact. But what would you expect, of a man who had shared 7 years of my life, from the time I was still a bright-eyed teenager hopeful and passionate about the future.

Now...more than a year and a half later, whenever thoughts of him crosses my mind, tears would still welled up in my eyes. But this, this is a different kind of tears. These tears come from the realisation of how grateful I feel for those who had been there for me, those who had helped me gotten through it all. Family and friends without whose support I might have jumped off the balcony of B-9-2 PV3 (which I did consider doing more than a few times). Grateful tears of the countless show of love I gained by loosing one.

And it dawned on me, perhaps I'm finally on the real road to recovery. Because of course when the tears come, there is still a kind of hollow sadness in my heart that accompanies the sense of solace, but thoughts of him no longer bring a stab of excruciating pain in my heart as it used to. In fact amidst the tears that trickles down my face, the feeling of regret is now amiss. I no longer regret what happened. How could I? Regretting what happened means I have to also regret ever knowing him, and that is something I CANNOT do in all honesty. Not after all that we've shared and after all that I've gained from him, a man whose soul I know is full of goodness and kindness, despite it all. These are now tears of acceptance. Of wholehearted acceptance that we will never ever be together, but that his lessons and his spirit will remain with me for the rest of my life, for me to give to THE ONE (whoever and wherever he may be) who truly deserve me and deserve my love, THE ONE who's written by the stars for me to love and cherish by the lessons I've gained through this tearful experience.

So even if at times they appear unexpectedly, I now welcome them, and accept them, because these tears, they are Good Tears.

BLESSED

2010-06-14T00:57:00.005+01:00

Because life is so full of surprises,
Because God works in mysterious ways,
Because of the unconditional love of family,
Because of the laughter shared with friends,

Because of the lessons that come with experience,
Because of the test of patience and faith,
Because of the vastness of knowledge to be learnt,
Because of the unrivaled beauty of the universe,

Because of the kindness of strangers and the power of forgiveness,
Because of the commonality of kindred spirits,
Because of the infinite possibility of love,
Because of the future to behold,

We are truly BLESSED.

GERAM

2010-06-12T05:27:00.002+01:00

Don't assume you know me just because you've met me once, or heard things about me. I may seem like an open book, but I AM NOT.

Orang yang banyak cakap does not automatically follow that dia tak reti mendengar. Then should I say orang yang pakai skirt pendek and sleeveless tu perempuan murahan? Marah pulak kau nanti kan.

GERAM (geram semalam yang terpendam)

THE STORY OF LIFE

2010-05-19T01:32:00.006+01:00

I would like to share a story I came across...

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind and she hated everyone else as well, except her loving boyfriend who was always there for her no matter what. She told her boyfriend, "If only I could see the world, I will marry you."

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her,"Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. She was shocked at the sight of his closed eyelids. She really hadn't expected that! The thought of looking at them for the rest of her life depressed her and thus led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left, dejected and in tears. Days later she received a note from him, with these words stated simply; "Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine."

Sadly, this is how human often are when our status changes. Only a very few remembers what life was like before, and who was always by their side in painful situations, when the going was rough, when they were yet 'somebody'. They often forget the person who had stick by their side, believing in them, rooting for them, and loving them no matter what the future would have brought.

This is THE STORY OF LIFE.

OST Lagenda Budak Setan

2010-05-14T15:43:00.006+01:00

Bila cinta kini
Tak lagi bermakna
Yang ku rasa kini
Hanyalah nestapa
Ditinggalkan cinta masa lalu

Dulu kau tawarkan manisnya janjimu
Dan ku sambut itu dengan SEGENAP HATIKU
Bila engkau pergi tinggalkan ku
Hilangnya cintamu menusuk hatiku
Hingga ku memilih cinta yang fana

Perginya dirimu
MEROBEK JANTUNGKU
Hingga ku terjatuh
Dalam harapan

Hilangnya cintamu
Menusuk hatiku
Hinggakan tejatuh
Dalam harapan

Dalam harapan.....

*Entah kenapa lirik OST ni betul2 macam bisikan hati aku...menitis gak lah air mata dengar...memang sedap kan OST LAGENDA BUDAK SETAN*

The Denigrated Race

2010-05-13T09:56:00.002+01:00

At the Projek Amanat Negara I attended some few weeks ago, an experienced somebody (I shall not name names) had this to say (in summary):

"That Malay has become the denigrated race. That their politicians are laughed at. That they are bashed at (even by Malay themselves). Malays, in effect, has become the minority."

As sad as it may be, this is indeed true. We are indeed now "The Denigrated Race". Why is that? Is that justified?

Well, this entry is not meant to be an intellectual piece about how the Malays need to improve themselves to be at par with the rest, yada yada yada, something that have been talked about in my circle for so much since I started law school (heck, actually since I was in TKC) that frankly, I'm bored of it already (that's the problem of having said so much and been so opinionated since an early age, by the time you get to this age of mine you feel so jaded already by all this topics. Been there, done that).

And this entry is not meant to be a racist propaganda either.

This entry is meant for me to vent this frustration of mine.

Why are we the denigrated race? I do not think that we deserve that. True, we are not a perfect race, we have weaknesses. But aren't you too? True, our politicians are mostly crap, but aren't yours too? (In fact aren't all politicians shit-spitting lowlifes, even here in the UK!)

We love this country. We would do anything for this country. We would stay here and fight for what it's worth no matter how bad the situation is, how bad the economy is, how bad the standard of living is. We would spill blood for this country. We would die for this country. Would YOU do that???

At least 80% of Non-Malays I've met here in the UK, when I asked them personally, have indicated that they do not intend to go back to Malaysia. At least not until "the situation improves". WHAT THE HELL. So you are going to stay here and hide, living in luxury (or what you perceived as luxury, after the astronomic tax) while the denigrated race fight and slave out at low salary in order to keep the country going. You just want to walk back in when everything is fine and dandy?? At official get-togethers kau cakap berdegar-degar, demanding a change in this, a change in that. You talk so much, but you are not even willing to come back home and make that change. Remember, YOU should be the change that you want to see happens. Not hide out here berlagak Westerner, eyeing for that PR.

I would respect you if you say (in all honesty) that you do not want to go straight back home because you want to get the experience that you cannot get back in Malaysia, so that when you come back you can contribute to a new kind of development.. But don't give me the impression that kau just tak nak bersusah di negara sendiri. So siapa sekarang yang kene bersusah untuk kau? Kerajaan hantar belajar tinggi2 so that kau balik and menyumbang pada negara. Bukan untuk menyumbang pada kekayaan dan kesenangan hidup kau sorang.

I know, and I truly understand (because I feel the same way too) that the government SHOULD do something in order to ensure that when we go back home there would be jobs that would fulfill our career needs in terms of job satisfaction as well as intellectual satisfaction, and of course at a salary that is befitting our education and qualification.

But it is while the going is rough that you can see who truly loves the country and who are just "parasites" wanting to feed-off the country (sorry for the strong words). Remember, you need the country more than the country needs you. Being in a place where you belong, even if you don't make as much wealth, is far better than being somewhere where you are just "the outsider". Apa kau ingat orang UK suka sangat kau ramai2 kat sini? Come on, you know the answer.

And don't say you don't feel like you truly belong in Malaysia because we are not tolerant enough. Tak cukup tolerant lagi ke? You want to go to your own school? Silakan. You want to speak your own language? Silakan. (In fact, some of us can't get a job at some places because we don't speak your language) You want to practice your faith? Silakan. In grandeur lagi (Let the gold-plated tallest statue of Dewa Murugan at Batu Caves be a Testament to that). Of course there are no absolute freedom. Freedom needs to come with limitation, especially in a multi-racial country like ours. In fact, can you name me one country that practices absolute freedom? Can you?

But you, you question our Bumiputera rights. Padahal apa sangat lah rights tu pun. You want us to respect your sensitivity. But have you ever respected ours? When you use Allah to denote your God, although you know how precious religiosity is to us (like how precious money is to you), you disparage us when we get insulted. Why is it that we always have to respect you, but you never respect us? Yes, it may be linguistically correct, and you can harp on Freedom of Expression, but how does that reflect on how "respectful" you are (something you claimed to be) and how does that reflect on your social conscience?

Now, coming back to the issue of the denigrated race. Why is that so? Why do you hate us so much? Why do you belittle us? Are we not friendly to you? Do we not welcome you with open arms when you come to our house? We want to talk to you, we want to hang out with you, we want to be your friends. But how can we do that when you just stick to yourself, and speak in a language that we cannot understand? Can't we speak in English (no matter how broken our English is, or yours). Come to think of it, why can't we speak in Malay? Because it's our language? And here i thought it's the National language. Well, that's what the Federal Constitution says anyway. And if you don't like what the Federal Constitution says, well blame your forefathers for agreeing to it when you once seek the protection of Malaya.
In any event, I'm sure you did pass your SPM Bahasa Melayu paper (and I'm sure in more probability you got an A1 for it).

Last thing about the denigrated race. How come there are Malays themselves who like to denigrate the Malays. Sebab kau malu jadi orang Melayu kan? Sebab kau ingat kau Western and modern kan? Bangsat lah kau. Itu nama nya tak sedar diri. Western, modern, kau makan sambal belacan jugak.
Please lah, I really hate Malays who feel the only way they can appear cool , open minded, and be accepted by the non-Malays are when they disparage and belittle their own race. If that's what you have to do to gain acceptance, THEN SHAME ON YOU.

Now the Malay in me has spoken. Let it be damned!

*(spoken like a true denigrated race)*

Exchange with a Beloved Friend

2010-05-13T09:41:00.005+01:00

*I want to share an exchange I had with a beloved friend of mine, Sasha Lyna, on FB yesterday. This is just to show that if we have enough respect and love, we can disagree on anything, but still be good friends afterwards. Then you can say you have maturity in the true sense of the word. :)

(In italic are Sasha's)*

So I'm heartless because I say it's better to take your grievances to the court rather than to the street? Yes, we can emulate civilized countries, but only if the people are of civilized minds first.

how can u have revolution like that?and whe n until u take it to the streets will the people knw the real story..COURT?with our present image of our court?HOW?!!

That's on the presupposition that we need a "revolution"...can we handle a revolution? can we carry through a revolution? you think we are ready for that? seriously?

Yes, I used to think crap of the court as well. and the police. and the government. But then someone asked me, "why are you so cynical?". Aku terdiam (hek leh, cam real je aku mampu terdiam!)

Then I realised that all of us idealist (including me) fighting for utopia are no longer CRITICAL, but just purely CYNICAL. We are too quick to condemn ANYTHING state-like. Sebelum dengar ape2 lagi, tengok apa2 bukti lagi, kita dah buat judgment. This is NOT what the Rule of Law (that ironically we are fighting for) is about. This will just bring CHAOS. Sekian.

if with that kind of thot, of cz we're never gna b ready..

but do we have/need to b ready to carry out a revolution?change is needed when there is no other way n clearly there is a wrong that is soo apparent n needs to be corrected.

surely, u must give other opportunity to prove their worth rather than saying they don't knw anything....

y do u think there is chaos?is it not also contributed by those in power?arent they retaliating to the move towards revolution?

we cant all be gandhi(may he rest in peace).

oh babe, I agree that we need CHANGE, hell yeah we do..but we don't need a REVOLUTION...check history and see what that means..see the price that has been paid for it..the price is blood. But the move towards change can only come from objectivity, not emotion!

Not ALL things should be taken to the streets. If available legal avenues have been exhausted, then fine. But don't jump the gun! In civilized countries you think diorang main belasah je ke. They follow proper steps. All in time.

For example the shooting issue. For all 1000 ppl yg melatah terus kondem polis, there are another 1000 yg melatah and terus defend polis and kondem the boy. U see? There is no space for unification when things are done on the basis of "cepat melatah". Kalau takleh unite, u think we can carry through a revolution? It's not a matter of not giving ppl the chance to prove their worth, but see...their action has spoken louder than their words.

but nenek jst bcoz don't agree tak smestinyer means bloody..we need to educate people thats all..its ok to disagree!!like us, i still love u as much even if i dont agree with u ;)

as long as what we do tu betul2 melambangkan nak educate people..."don't listen to what a man says, look at what he does" (ni quotation utk carik jodoh, tapi boleh pakai gak ah! hehe)

Betul tu bulu, altho I might not necessarily agree with you fully, but I still love you nonetheless too! Ni baru lah differences of opinion secara berhikmah kan...as long as we keep our cool and remain professional...nak emotional, save that for pergaduhan ngan your laki/bini, hihihi :P

*and that was my intellectual Exchange with a Beloved Friend (for the day)*

TRAGEDY

2010-05-10T20:40:00.005+01:00

This is something I wrote as a comment to Abu's status on FB regarding the shooting of adik Aminulrasyid, which I decided to re-post here:

I think ALL of us know the law. Semua orang pass CPC and Consti dulu kan. Everyone knows about Proportionality. Everyone knows that Police can only shoot when they are shot at, or when their own life is threatened (unless it's a warning shot). Everyone knows that Natural Justice warrants the Presumption of Innocence (and it works both way, on the kid, and on the police as well).

Now to put all these legal principles in context, we CANNOT do that UNLESS and UNTIL we know all the facts of what actually happened. Hence, investigation by an INDEPENDENT panel/commission is needed (the independence of the government-led one is reasonably questionable).

But before all the facts are laid down in public and objectively analysed, people should refrain from making emotional statements swayed by political underpinnings. The police camp will say that happened, the boy's camp will say this happened, it will be a case of he says-she says, that's why result of fact-finding by an independent party sahaja yg boleh dianggap FACTS OF THE CASE, yang lain2 tu ALLEGED FACTS (from both sides). We are all legally trained to know rules of evidence kan.

Sebab tu I personally think the case going straight to court is the best way to go (which I just read is what's happening now).

But I have to say, naluri aku sedih bila aku tengok gambar budak kecik tu, that is something I can't help. Whatever the outcome, this IS a TRAGEDY.

Surah Al-Ankabut verse 2

2010-05-10T13:07:00.001+01:00

Al-Ankabut 2: "Patutkah manusia menyangka bahawa mereka akan dibiarkan dengan hanya berkata, 'kami beriman', sedangkan mereka tidak diuji?"

Sometimes I can't help feeling that I hate myself

2010-05-09T12:23:00.007+01:00

Sometimes I can't help feeling that I hate myself.

Why am I so talkative (can't I just shut up), why am I so opinionated (can't I just keep my opinion to myself), why am I so frank (can't I just be more selective), why am I so damn friendly (can't I just keep my distance)...

Why can't I be more docile, more lady-like, more sweet, more womanly? Less aggressive, less intimidating, less like a whirlwind that cannot keep still...

Maybe because of this everyone always warm up to me fast (bcz aku cepat mesra?) but would ALWAYS see me as just a friend...maybe because of this no one will ever be able to see beyond this bubble of bubbliness, loud laughter, incessant smile & hunky dory I'm always happy, and see the woman beneath...fragile, melancholic, feminine, with more to share than what meets the eye...

Will anyone ever know the essence of who Siti Aliza is? Bcz the walking contradiction that I am, unlike normal people, I build invisible walls around myself through my happy-go-lucky oozing with friendliness persona...yes, of course that is me...but there's also another side to me...and hence I don't think anyone will ever know who I am........

Perhaps because I did once let someone inside and see the other side of me (the insecurities, the despondency, the reverie) and look at how THAT ended up...with me left hurting and bleeding and scarred for life......but does that mean I am now beyond repair??

Sometimes I can't help feeling that I hate myself.

Insha Allah

2010-05-08T06:22:00.005+01:00

Every time you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost and
That you're so alone
All you see is night
And darkness all around
You feel so helpless
You can’t see which way to go
Don’t despair n' never lose hope
Cos' Allah is always by your side

Insha Allah x3

Insha Allah you’ll find your way

Insha Allah x3

Every time you commit one more mistake
You feel you can’t repent
And that it's way too late
You’re so confused,
Wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame
Don’t despair and never lose hope
Cos' Allah is always by your side

Insha Allah x3

Insha Allah you’ll find your way

Insha Allah x3

Insha Allah you’ll find your way
Turn to Allah
He’s never far away
Put your trust in Him
Raise your hands and pray
Oh Ya Allah
Guide my steps don’t let me go astray
You’re the only one that can show me the way,
Show me the way x2

Insha Allah x3

Insha Allah we’ll find our way

- Maher Zain, Insha Allah -

YOU

2010-04-16T13:18:00.006+01:00

YOU
You poison my thoughts

YOU
You contaminate my blood

YOU
you are the tears that I shed

YOU
You are the pain that I bled

And everyday I pray,
I pray, I cry, and I pray,
to the Lord, to my Savior, to my God,
That I would one day finally be rid of YOU

Because in my heart, in my soul, I know,
there's nothing more destructive, no bigger jive,
no higher test in my life,
than YOU

All the World's an Oyster

2010-03-16T15:47:00.007Z

Sometimes when your spirit is a bit down, u need something to cheer yourself back up. So I'm going to turn to something that never fails to cheer me up, Traveling!

(A) Countries I've been to (in chronological order of visits)

1. Thailand
2. Singapore
3. Japan
4. Australia
5. Netherlands
6. United States
7. Italy (Milan, Venice, Lake Como)
8. U.K (England)
9. Ireland
10. Greece

(B) Countries I'm going to (in the plan, in the very2 near future, insyaAllah. Amin3x!)

11. Scotland
12. Turkey
13. France
14. Spain (Barcelona, Granada)
15. Italy (Rome)
16. Nepal (budget permitting)
17. India (budget permitting)

(C) Countries I would love to visit someday (honeymoon perhaps! haha)

(1) the rest of Italy (Florence, Pompei, Pisa, Tuscany)
(2) any African countries (maybe Kenya or South Africa)
(3) Egypt
(4) Russia
(5) Germany
(6) Monaco
(7) UAE (I almost went to Abu Dhabi, but gave it to my sister instead bcz she has never traveled abroad)

(D) Countries which I would love to go to AGAIN!

(1) Japan
(2) Greece

Now I realised that I've been blessed. No wonder they say that if ada tahi lalat dekat kaki kita akan berjalan jauh...I have a prominent one on my left foot!

Ya Allah, please make all my traveling dreams come true! Because they say All the World's an Oyster!

BREAKAWAY

2010-03-11T13:48:00.003Z

Sometimes you want to breakaway,
From the shackles that bind,
All responsibilities assigned.

I envy those who live oh so carefree,
But when I try to be nonchalant,
They always come back to haunt!

Why oh why this afflicting disease,
Of always wanting to please,
When I really want to say f*** you, jeez!

Today I'm going to be a bitch,
Throw everything to the wind in the pitch,
For once just let me be astray,
Just allow me one damn breakaway!!!

In Anticipation of Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland: My Tribute to Lewis Carroll

2010-03-03T01:41:00.020Z

"A boat, beneath a sunny sky
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July-

Children three that nestle near,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Pleased a simple tale to hear-

Long has paled that sunny sky:
Echoes fade and memories die:
Autumn frosts have slain July.

Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.

Children yet, the tale to hear,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.

In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die:

Ever drifting down the stream-
Lingering in the golden gleam-
Life, what is it but a dream?"

This is an excerpt of Lewis Carroll's poem as it originally appears at the end of Through the Looking-Glass, which is the sequel to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. The poem ended with that famous Lewis Carroll quote "Life, what is it but a dream?". (And the parts in italic are my favourite parts of the poem).

Lewis Carroll wrote both books for Alice Pleasance Liddell, the daughter of the Dean of Christ Church College at Oxford University. And in fact, the first letter of each line of the poem will spell out her name! (Check it out for urself!) Because it conceals a name, this is called an acrostic poem. Lewis Carroll is famous for the mathematical ideas and problems, and various puzzles that he included in both books. This is because in real life he was an ardent inventor of puzzles and games, which he would often send in letters and circulars to his friends, to see if they could solve them. I have a book called Lewis Carroll's Games and Puzzles which contains many of the mathematical and logical problems that Lewis Carroll intended to include in the last book he was working on (near the end of his life he worked on a book of mathematical puzzles and games but he died before it could be completed). If u can find the book, try it guys, it's really fun and damn difficult some of it can be too!

Here I give u an example of one of the more simpler (and easier) ones-
The Dodo says that the Hatter tells lies.
The Hatter says that the March Hare tells lies.
The March Hare says that both the Dodo and the Hatter tell lies.
Who is telling the truth?
Try and see if u can solve the puzzle!

Lewis Carroll's real name was Charles Lutwidge Dodgson and he taught mathematics at Oxford University, in Christ Church College (yes, the famous Oxford College used extensively for the filming of Harry Potter). Besides the two books on Alice, he wrote many other books, including mathematical textbooks for the undergraduates at Oxford and books about his mathematical discoveries. He published several books of poetry and two books about logic. He also wrote two other stories for children (about two characters called Sylvie and Bruno).

Alice in Wonderland is an extremely interesting book because essentially it is not really a childrens' book (just like Harry Potter!). It contains many philosophical questions about life, and includes many of those interesting puzzles I mentioned. And it is just a darn funny book!

Which is true also of Through the Looking Glass (the themes and settings of Through the Looking-Glass make it a kind of mirror image of Wonderland. As you would know, looking glass is another term for mirror, and the book is about how the world is like on the other side of the mirror, a question I've always find fascinating since I was a little girl!). This is an excerpt of one of my favourite part in the book -

" "Well, in our country" said Alice, still panting a little, "you'd generally get to somewhere else- if you ran very fast for a long time as we've been doing."
"A slow sort of country!" said the Queen. "Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!" "

Ain't it just hilarious?! ^_^ (But wouldn't it be easier to just stand still?! Since u have to keep running to stay in the same place, if u stand still u will then be somewhere else! Or at least u will stay in the same spot without needing to tire urself out! See, the book just makes you think! Well, if u have enough brains that is.

Anyway, I am really really excited to watch Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland which is coming out in cinema in the UK in a few days time. Not only because it is from a masterpiece of a genius man who's a fellow alumni of Oxford University, but more importantly because of the gorgeous and hilarious Johnny Depp!!!! (Albeit in a not-so gorgeous role but hey, the Mad Hatter is crazily funny!)

Enjoy a Mad Hatter scene (the Un-Birthday Party) here from Disney's Alice (One of my most favourite Disney cartoon, which I must have watched at least 50 times when I was little!)

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(Oh yeah, when the mouse recited "Twinkle twinkle little bat, How I wonder what u're at, Up above the world u fly, Like a tea-tray in the sky", this is actually Lewis Carroll immortalising his Mathematics tutor, Professor Bartholomew 'Bat' Price, who was renowned for lecturing well above the heads of his students! Lewis Carroll would often send his mathematical puzzles to his mathematicians tutors and colleagues in Oxford, including to Prof. Bat, and would be surprised that these eminent mathematicians would gave different and contradictory solutions to his problems!)

And so, In Anticipation of Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland, this is My Tribute to Lewis Carroll!

ODE

2010-03-01T16:14:00.006Z

"What though the radiance that was once so bright,
be now forever taken from my sight.
Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not,
rather find strength in what remains behind..."

(Part of William Wordsworth's Ode 'Intimations From Recollections of Early Childhood')

Because what is Life if not an Ode!

Aku Bukan Pilihan Hatimu

2010-03-01T16:05:00.006Z

Jika memang diriku
Bukanlah menjadi
Pilihan hatimu
Mungkih sudah takdirnya
Kau dan aku
Takkan mesti bersatu

Haruslah slalu kau tahu
Ku mencintaimu di sepanjang waktuku
Harus slalu kau tahu
Semua abadi untuk selamanya

Karena ku yakin
Cinta dalam hatiku
Hanya milikmu
Sampai akhir hidupku

Karena ku yakin
Di setiap hembus nafasku
Hanya dirimu
Satu yang slalu ku rindu

* saje suka2, takde kene-mengena dgn yg hidup atau yg mati :) *

[Ungu - Aku Bukan Pilihan Hatimu]

Because it's written

2010-02-22T01:34:00.004Z

Something that happened yesterday, made me feel better than how I've been feeling for quite sometime, and it made me hopeful again about my life and my future. And more importantly, it seems to restore again my faith in God that seems to be wavering for sometime.

Then I got a surprising news today. A good friend of mine here in Oxford just broke the news that she just got engaged over the weekend. She has been keeping this a secret from us all along! She first met the guy in November 2009 at a colloquium here . They then met up a couple of times for coffee. Shortly after, the guy's parents approached her parents. They got engaged over the weekend (Feb 2010) and their wedding is set for October 2010. She told me that it was all so unexpected, everything happens so quickly, but in her heart it all just feels right. She said to me that she believes that it is "naseeb" (i.e. jodoh. [She's a British Pakistani] ).

These two things has made me realised that everything that happens happened because it is meant to happen. (Wah, ayat ni bagus jugak utk digunakan mengajar grammar ni!). I can now start believing in Fate again... Because it's written.

Jika Ini Takdirku

2010-02-21T02:31:00.004Z

Telah lama kosong, hati ini
Telah lama mati, jiwa ini
Telah lama kering, airmata ini
Telah lama kelu, bibir ini

Dan jika hari ini kau bersamanya,
Bersama dia pengganti diriku,
Biarlah kutelan kepahitan di dada,
Biarpun jadi nanah membusung di benakku.

Jika takdirku mencinta sepenuh jiwa,
Jika takdirku dilukai dan disakiti,
Jika takdirku menangis dan terguris,
Jika takdirku sendiri dan menyepi,

Biarlah...Jika Ini Takdirku

Age

2010-02-20T13:02:00.003Z

They say age is just a number. But I disagree.

If age is just a number, and you can be young at heart so age does not matter, then ape cerita kedut2 bawah mata ni, or ur metabolism slowing down rapidly, or you getting sakit kaki and backache after a long day, or u forgetting more easily and need more time to recall things?? Haaa, jawab jawab!

On a more serious note.

Age is not just a number. Because with age comes experience. And with experience comes lessons. And with lessons come wisdom. (Or 'wisdom' of some sort!)

The age-old question: What is the meaning of life? If you asked me this at 23, I would have given you some crappy narcissistic answer which all revolves around ME, ME and more ME. But after several life-turning experience, at 26 (going on 27) I realised Life is something Beyond You. And Life is Unpredictable (they say life is like the Mistress, she is unpredictable and her mood-swings can create havoc to all balance and order that you hold dear!)...You just have to stop, look around and ponder...to realise how bewildering Life is. And no matter how in control you think you are, or you want to be, you can NEVER ever control Life. And also somehow, in some way, all of us are inextricably linked together in this whole fabric of Life.

There is much to be said about maturity. It is not something you can see from the surface. It is not something physical. Even if you look 30 although you are only 21, it does not mean you are matured! (Here in the U.K I often get mistaken as a 19 year old because of the physicality)...I have many friends here who are so much younger than me. And although when we are together people can seldom see the difference in age, but when you talk to them you just know they are younger. It's their outlook towards Life and towards so many things in general. It's in the way they talk. It's in the way they behave in relation to other people. It is in the way they seldom see the bigger picture. When I am with them, I have to humour them, and tell myself it's because they lack life experience (I also have a way of always appearing more stupid or helpless than I really am so that people don't feel the gap! It's a skill I've developed over the years). I also have friends who are more or less my age, or older. And it is just so much easier to connect with them at an emotional and mental level. They just seem to "Get It" (it's difficult to explain)...I came to this realisation about the connection of all this with age is because usually after getting to know these ppl for some time, only then you know their age...then you go (in your head) "Ooooh, no wonder. Patut lah".

Another important thing. Life and Age, it changes you. You are never the same person that you were 5 years ago. Or 3 years ago. Or even a year ago. External influence (your life experience) and internal influence (how you react internally to those experience) keep moulding you and you realised that I am just not the same person anymore! Sometimes you feel that this is bad (Oh I used to be so carefree, so optimistic and passionate about the future) but actually this is often for the better. Because u wake up and realise that you are more at "one" with yourself. You are more in touch with your feelings, of who you are. But more importantly, you are more in touch with other people in your life, or other people around you, because you have more sympathy, empathy and understanding towards others compared to when you were younger...

This is what I want to say to Aliza of yesteryears. "Of course you have more youth and beauty than me, but I can always strive to have more of those too. If I sing more and laugh more, my heart will be more youthful. If I take care of myself more, have a healthier lifestyle, or even have cosmetic surgery (haha), I will be more beautiful. But no matter what you do in this world, or how hard you try, I will always have something more than you...and that is my Age!"

:D

Sepi

2010-02-19T23:14:00.005Z

Sepi hati terjadi lagi
Mungkin sampai mati aku sepi
Biar senyum hadir di hariku
namun ini hanya ada di bibir
di bibir saja

Aku ini yang bisa mengerti
walaupun yang lain mau mengerti
Namun berat beban hidupku
biarkan saja
Biar saja hanya ku yang tahu

Sejarah cinta dan hidupku
penuh duri dan banyak ranjau
Butuh kesabaran yang penuh
untuk tetap ku berdiri

Oh.. ada saatnya ku bicara
bila hatiku telah bulat
Sepanjang ku bisa atasi semua
aku tetap diam

* Sepi (Yuni Shara) *

RESUMED Incoherent thoughts

2010-02-16T20:22:00.005Z

Aku mmg bukan blogger...aku buat blog ni dulu pun bcz time tu aku baru nak dtg Oxford. And time tu aku tgh sedih. Tersangat sgt lah sedih. Life aku mmg sedih masa tu bcz of 'that' thing. Well...sekarang pun ada part dalam hati aku yg still sedih bcz of 'that' thing, but overall i'm okay, living life one day at a time, breathing in and breathing out.

Well coming back to my point (I don't even know what point(s) I'm trying to make, bcz I don't have an outline of submission in my head rite now! haha), aku buat blog ni bcz aku pikir once aku ada kat Oxford, I want to write down all my thoughts from my new experience. Tapi biaselah aku, Aliza being Aliza, I never got around to doing it. Too busy doing other stuff, settling in, taking in new things, doing this, doing that, sedar2 aku dah halfway tru my Oxford journey. Haha. End of July/early August I'll be leaving UK and will resume my life back in Malaysia.

Itu yg susah. 'Resume' my life back? Mcmane nak 'resume' ni, bcz when I left Malaysia dulu i pretty much thought that my life was over (yes, bcz of 'that'), and going to Oxford was like running away. That was what I had in mind. But after almost 5 months I realised that no matter where in the world u are, no matter how much your surrounding changes, you carry who you are with you. You carry ur heart, you carry ur hurt, u carry ur memories, you carry ur thoughts, you carry ur worries, and you carry ur insecurities! Pendek kata, you can't run away from yourself!

Oklah, I digress (hence the title - incoherent thoughts!). Aku berazam nak update blog ni on a regular basis now, although aku tau not being a blogger (like I said in the beginning of this incoherent entry), takde org pun nak baca blog aku...tapi aku tak peduli, bcz I really really need an outlet to get out of my own head sometimes, bcz I realised that I spent too much time being in my own head!! Kadang2 aku rasa aku boleh jadik gila, I'm confusing myself with my own complicated thoughts!!

So Walking Contradiction, thy shall now be Resumed (that darn word again!)...

F.E.A.R

2009-09-15T16:24:00.003+01:00

I remembered when I was in my first year and training for Jessup, in one of our training sessions, we were asked to write on a piece of paper what we feel is our biggest strength. And I wrote this: "I move on in spite of FEAR". Then Dr Majdah asked, "But then it means that you do feel fear?" and I answered "Of course, who doesn't."

I remembered a quotation I read once: Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to rise above it.

I realised that I was at the lowest point of my life once because I allowed myself to remain stuck BECAUSE I was afraid. I allowed myself to be defeated by Fear, when I used to be someone who always strive to do what I know is best for me although I was fearful.

As the day of my departure approaches, I'm being flooded by a gut-wrenching fear. Fear of not being able to adapt and adjust to a new place, new environment. Fear of being alone and lonely in a foreign place. Fear of missing, and missing out on, my family and friends here in Malaysia. Fear of being dissapointed by what I hope would be a turning point in my life. Fear of making wrong choices. FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.

But I am proud that despite the gut-wrenching fear, I feel a kind of strength and peace inside myself, to face it, swallow it, take a deep gulp of air, and MOVE ON in spite of F.E.A.R.

My Earliest Memories

2009-09-10T09:25:00.003+01:00

I find it strange the things we sometimes remember. Like how I remember walking back alone from prep when i was in Form 5 in TKC and looking up at the stars and saying to myself I am sure that one day I will remember doing this..and I do!

Talking about remembering, I am sure that everyone has those earliest memories of ourself as a really young child. One of my earliest memory is when I was staying in a shoplot (rumah aku kat atas, bawah kedai2) in Dungun, Terengganu when I was four. One day I followed papa to a nearby shop downstairs, and while papa was buying something inside (I think it was a mamak and papa was buying ciggie), I waited for him in front of the shop (dekat kaki lima kedai tu). Suddenly, a beggar-like and filthy man (who apparently was crazy/mentally unhinged) came to me and started bothering me. When I distant myself he came closer. And he kept coming closer. And closer. At last I was completely freaked out and instead of going to papa (who was not aware of the battle I was going tru) I decided to run for my life going towards my house. I ran and ran and the crazy man ran after me! I ran up the stairs to my house and he followed me up the stairs as well! By then I was screaming on top of my lungs for mama. When mama appeared at the doorway, to me she was like a vision from Heaven. It was THE scariest experience of my life and seeing crazy people still send shivers down my spine.

The other earliest memory I have is a more sentimental one. As you can figure, living in a shoplot meant that our family life back then was very modest. I remember that the house had a kind of balcony (or rather an open air space) seperating the living room from the kitchen. Whenever I hear papa's car parking downstairs when he get back from work, I would run to the balcony and peer downstairs for him. One day, papa was waving and calling up to me and when I looked down he was happily showing me a box of Luna colour pencil (the short one, with a dozen pencils inside) and he was beaming proudly that he managed to get me the colour pencils that I so much wanted, and I remembered the excitement swelling inside me at the thought of me finally getting colour pencils! (we were living very modestly at that time and mama said that even during hari raya my parents could not afford to buy us new baju raya and atuk - mama's father - bought for us the baju raya instead). Remembering this always brings tears to my eyes, and would remind me of the depth of my father's love for me. Unlike my mother, who I am extremely close to and would share almost everything with, my father, being like many other fathers, is not the type of person who easily shows love and affection. But remembering this would remind me of precisely those - his love and affection for his children. Another time I felt this was when he woke me up from sleep one morning with a letter in his hand, with full excitement evident on his face and pride in his eyes that I was chosen to go to TKC after UPSR.

I guess the fact that I will be leaving my family in 11 days-time to go to Oxford University to further my studies is making me really sentimental at the moment. It reinforces in me the realisation that there is no love like your family's love.

And anytime I were to forget this, I just need to remember the safe haven my mama provided when she rescued me from the crazy man, like how she has always made me feel safe in my life; and to remember the love & pride that my father has always had for me. If I were to forget, I just need to revisit My Earliest Memories.

Lost in Translation

2009-09-10T09:04:00.003+01:00

I came across a writing by Paulo Coelho on translators, and I was interested to read what he has to say, simply because I too have done some translation work for Institut Terjemahan Negara (translating books by Dato' Saifuddin Abdullah & Prof. Zaini Ujang), altho of course I did those during my spare time and hence I am not a professional or even a serious translator (or maybe a serious translator that cannot be taken seriously!).

I came to the realisation that yeah, but for people who are translators, I would not have been able to enjoy many books that I really love simply bcz they were originally written in languages that I do not understand. Paulo Coelho's books themselves (which I am a fan of) are written in Portuguese, and I also have a collection of Boris Akunin's books on Erast Fandorin, the Russian detective, written in Russian (well, duh). But for translators, I would not even fully understand my own book of guidance, the Holy Qur'an...

Isn't God great, that when he created diverse people of different tounges, he also gives the wisdom to a number of them to be able to understand more than one language, so that they can spread knowledge to the four corners of the world! So that in people's unquenched search for knowledge (as enjoined by God Himself), we would not get Lost in Translation...